Me? A Mom?

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Disclaimer:  I am so very aware of how fortunate we are to have been able to have a baby.  It is never lost on me.  I know for so many people it is a heartbreaking struggle.  I’ve shared tears with some very close friends and family members during their very tough journeys.  I would never want to trigger any painful feelings for anyone reading this story of how Bea came to be.  If you are struggling, my heart is with you.  And if you want to close this window and read no further, I completely understand.  If you want to stay and read my story, here it is.

We all know those people who were destined to be Mothers.  My best friend Shannon talked about having babies since we were 10 years old.  My own Ma was born to be a Mom.  I don’t believe anyone would say the same things about me.  I wasn’t the little girl who dreamed of having her own family one day.  I was not one of those people you’d assume would end up with a baby.

I started my career fresh out of college when I was 21 years old. I landed a dream gig hosting a kid’s TV show (hiiiii to the YTV Hit List fans out there!). This show had us travelling the world interviewing pop stars.  I was on the road a lot and I was LOVING it.

From there to the daily entertainment show world where I spent the better part of 11 years travelling a lot for work.  During this time I jumped at every assignment and the chance to experience something new.  I wanted to see and do it all.  Work came first and having a family was not something I was giving much thought to. 

Then I met Randall.  He was unlike anyone I’d ever met before for so many reasons.  He was as dedicated to his work as I am.  He totally understood when work travel took me away.  And instead of begrudging me for it, he often joined me!  We were living our best lives before it was even a thing. 

While dating, engaged and even married we’d have the baby conversation and most often we were both on the same page.  Neither of us felt all-in on the idea of children.  We loved our lives, the freedom we had to do what we want when we wanted it.  We loved our jobs, our friends and each other and didn’t want to mess with a really good thing.

After our wedding, the topic would often come up on our drives to the cottage. I should mention I am a terribly indecisive person. I’m a waffler.  I go back and forth and talk myself in and out of things.  Mostly I’d list all the things I was worried about while then countering that with all the reasons why a baby was for us. 

During these conversations Randall and I dealt in percentages.  So each of us would say what number we were at in terms of interest in a baby.  In the late summer of 2015, one of us got to 80% and the other 90%.  Or 70% and 80%, I can’t remember.  But we agreed those were some pretty strong numbers and maybe a baby was for us. 

I wanted to share this story because I think it’s totally normal to not be *sure* having a baby is for you.  While I was pregnant I was so scared of all the changes that were about to happen in my life. Was I really ready for this? Would I ever have freedom again? Would I be able to perform at my job as I always had? Was my social life gone forever? And if I’m being really honest, I had them a few times in those first few really hard months after Bea was born.

All this to say, while there was a time I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I would be be a Mom, I think it’s pretty obvious I now know it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.  Looking back I have no idea what on earth I was waffling about!  But I’m glad I waited until I felt as close to ready as I would get.  That I didn’t rush into it based on age and timing and societal pressures.  I listened to myself and my husband and we made choice that was right for us, when the timing felt right.  

It’s a massive decision and an enormous life change.  It comes with all kinds of struggles and challenges while simultaneously bringing a level of joy I never knew existed.