The Big Sister Fairy
Like most kids, the idea of a new baby and of being a big sister was very exciting for Bea. Months of talking, counting down, deciding what she’d call her (Bumbalina) getting things ready and reading books had her pretty pumped for this new role. And then she met Marigold for the first time. Goodbye, excitement. Hello, resentment.
Of course, a totally normal and to-be-expected reaction. It was especially difficult because while I was often occupied with Marigold, Randall was laid up with his back, unable to get on the floor and play with her or run around the house playing “catch my bum” as he usually does. We talked A LOT about her feelings. We practiced deep breaths for when she got really worked up. I tried my very best to get in some one-on-one time with my big girl every day. But mornings were rough. She was used to our routine of me getting up with her, making breakfast and sitting beside her while she ate. Then Randall would take her to school making an adventure out of the walk. Despite our best efforts our new normal didn’t look like that. My Ma subbed in for a lot of those mornings and while Bea LOVES her Nonna, it just wasn’t the same and she let us know it each and every morning for the first little while.
We’ve all heard the saying that necessity the mother of invention? It’s actually exhaustion. Exhaustion is the mother of invention.
Marigold was born just after Christmas; the season of advent calendars and elf on the shelf. After one particularly rough morning of acting out and not listening and me being on the verge of tears (again) I blurted out “you know The Big Sister Fairy is watching you and she doesn’t like what she’s seeing. If you cooperate and get your boots on with no more crying this morning maybe she’ll bring something for you after school.” I saw a little flicker in her eyes. She loves fairies and loves surprises even more. I stood there in shock and awe as she put her boots on and left for the day without incident. No more tears, no pleading or stomping. It. Worked.
So when Bea arrived home that day there was a pack of Frozen jelly beans waiting for her. She shrieked and squealed with an excitement I hadn’t seen from her since before her world was turned upside down. “Mama, look! Look! The Big Sister Fairy brought me jelly beans!” She was thrilled with the treat and with herself. We made it to bedtime with not a single meltdown that night.
The next morning when she started to slide back in to tantrum mode, I reminded her that the BSF was watching and she only brings treats if she sees good behaviour and good decisions. She held on to her mood for a few moments longer (she’s her Mother’s daughter) but eventually gave in and we carried about our morning. So again that day a little treat was waiting for her, this time it was some glitter pens.
We went on like this for about 2 weeks, each day getting a little bit better. There were of course mornings when she went full 3.5 year old on me, and on those days the BSF didn’t come so we had conversations about consequences or as my mentor Mama friend calls it “when and then” parenting. When you do good things, good things happen. Same goes for the not-so-good behaviour.
Obviously it wouldn’t be sustainable to go on like this forever so I came up with a plan to wrap up the fairy in a big way once it seemed Bea was turning a corner. A special date night just her and I, to see Disney on Ice. The BSF brought her one final gift to say goodbye; a special Elsa dress to wear that night. She was what we call “peak Bea.” Just so out of her mind excited and happy.
The magic and wonder in Bea’s eyes as she saw all her beloved Disney characters skate on by, some even giving her a high five, brought me to tears many times that night. It had been so worried that she was sad, that my super-happy kid was lost with this new change to our family. But there she was in all her glory dancing and singing and full of joy. My Beanut was back.
Now I watch with tears in my eyes, a giant lump in my throat and my heart about to burst when Bea rushes to Marigold’s room when she hears her waking up from a nap. Or when the baby is fussing in her chair and Bea runs to get her Lamby to comfort her. Or when we’re all together on the couch in those very rare quiet moments and Bea says, ‘isn’t it nice to be a family?’
If you’re reading this while pregnant in the deep end of worry about how your older child will adjust. Or in the thick of tantrums with a kid who is having a really hard time adjusting to the new baby, I’m here to tell you it does get better. In fact, with time, it gets pretty damn great.
Big Love,
Danielle